I thought that it was perhaps a problem specific to Jeep Sandton, so I phoned a guy (I’m not naming names, as I don’t want to make it personal – it’s not, it’s endemic) at Jeep Centurion, looking to buy a new car. I left a message with the receptionist, as he was busy. After two weeks, he hadn’t phoned, so I called him on his cell. He didn’t answer, so I left a message. He still hasn’t called.

I should actually thank Jeep. I’ve saved a load of money, and I’ve also done a little bit to offset the carbon footprint of any big 4×4 by not upgrading. The problem is, the old Jeep is having more and more mechanical issues, and I don’t really trust it in the bush anymore. In fact, the reason I’m writing this column is because I had to take my Jeep in on Monday to have the steering box replaced. While I was waiting at Jeep Sandton for a lift back to the office, I wandered into the showroom to pass the time.

There was a second-hand Jeep there that appealed to me, so I looked it over. A salesman came up to me, and asked if he could be of service. Ha ha, I laughed (just like that – hollow, no quotation marks, sarcastically). I’ve been trying to buy a Jeep here for two years. If I decide to buy this one, I’ll just deposit the money into your account without your help. (Hm. On reflection, this isn’t as cutting a remark as it might have been.)

The guy (whose business card I am staring mournfully at as I write this) was appalled. “Give me your name and number, sir. I have the perfect Jeep coming in tomorrow. I’ll phone you by 1pm”, he said. Three days later, and I sit and wait.
I know, I know. I’m an idiot. It’s just that if I don’t buy a Jeep, I might as well get a small Hyundai with biscuit wheels. I can’t stand those fake 4x4s that BMW, Porsche, Audi and the rest of them sell. I wanted a car that I could ding, and then not bother panel-beating.

Two years isn’t THAT long to wait, is it? They’ll get back to me one day. In the meantime, I’ve saved a bunch of money. Sure, every now and then I have to spend on replacing steering, or bearings, or whatever. But it’s better than that monthly payment. And it’s good to know that the motor retail industry is so flush they don’t even need to sell cars. If it’s good enough for Ferrari, I’m sure it’s a great marketing strategy for Jeep too.

If you’re a fan of the Rolling Stones, and you danced to “Brown Sugar” at your wedding, your memories might be tainted by a closer

Marsha Hunt

listen. You might have thought the lines “Brown Sugar, how come you dance so good / Brown Sugar, just like a black girl should” were a tribute to how sweet your new bride is. And the song was indeed written by Mick Jagger about his then lover, and the mother of one of his children, the gorgeous singer Marsha Hunt. But it wasn’t just a simple love story. The song is also about the rape of slaves, and about drugs. Not sure what that had to do with Jagger’s girlfriend, or if I even want to know, but as with all great love songs, “Brown Sugar” has many layers. When the Rolling Stones play the song live, they often change the original words “Hear him whip the women just around midnight” to “You shoulda heard him just around midnight”. So if this is a favourite love song of yours, you should probably also censor it in your head.

Elton John’s classic song of love across the ideological divide, “Nikita”, isn’t about a real person. But It’s a good example of how you need to delve a little more deeply into love songs before you adopt them as the soundtrack to your lovelife. In Nikita, even the fake love interest isn’t real. Nikita is a double-fake. The video shows Elton taking photos of a beautiful girl standing guard on the Soviet side of the East/West German border. The song is about a beautiful blonde border guard that Elton sees and falls in love with, but it’s a male guard. Nikita is a man’s name, something Elton claims he was aware of, but an awkward fact that passed the video’s director by. So if your boyfriend is using “Nikita” to win your love, you should probably ask him some hard questions.

While fans are sometimes kept guessing about the identity of love interests in songs by their favourite musicians, some artists make it very obvious who their love songs are about. The video for Slikour’s “I got you”, for example, stars his current girlfriend, Swaziland actress Amanda du Pont. She is also the apparent subject of the song, although I’m going by gossip on the street here, as the song is too new to have entered the canon on the internet. You have to be a little in awe of how confident you must be to state your love quite so publicly. And although tattoos used to be the way rock stars showed commitment, ink is actually a fairly ephemeral medium compared to YouTube, which will last forever.

Billy Joel also featured his lover in a video, the one he shot for his song “Uptown Girl” in the 80s. The video starts with Billy doing his hair in front of a pinup of supermodel Christie Brinkley, the uptown girl of the song, and at the time about to become Joel’s wife. But one of the sad things about love songs is that, while the recordings might remain frozen in history, the relationships they eulogise are subject to the travails of time. “Uptown Girl” was actually originally written for another supermodel, Joel’s girlfriend of the time, Elle Macpherson. He just repurposed it.

Sometimes, love songs can transcend the reason they were written in the first place. Many people believe that “I will always love you” is a Whitney Houston song, but in fact it was written by Dolly Parton in the faraway decade of the 70s. The song is about her breakup with her songwriting partner of the time, Porter Wagoner. Despite what the lyrics sound like, it was apparently a business breakup, not romantic. For Whitney Houston, “I will always love you” became one of the biggest selling songs of all time by a female artist. And when Jennifer Hudson sang it in tribute to Houston at the Grammys the day after Houston’s death, the song had moved very far from its origins as a farewell to a business partner.

Given the nature of the music industry, it’s perhaps unsurprising that many of the great love songs are written by men about women. Some women are such desirable muses that they have more than one song written about them. Erykah Badu, for example, has songs written for her by Common as well as Andre 3000. But it would be hard to beat Pattie Boyd as an inspiration for love songs.

Pattie Boyd, aka Layla

Possibly the most famous love song of the rock era is Eric Clapton’s “Layla”, voted as number 27 on Rolling Stone’s list of 500 Greatest Songs of All Time. The song is about Clapton’s love for Boyd, the then wife of the Beatles’ George Harrison. After writing the song, Clapton told Harrison about his love for Pattie, but it would take several more years before he got to be (officially, at least) with the woman he loved. Boyd divorced Harrison in 1974, and married Clapton in 1979. Alas, as can sometimes be the troubled way of love, they divorced in 1988.

“Layla” wasn’t the only song Boyd inspired. Clapton also wrote ”Why does love got to be so sad”, “Forever man”, “Bell bottom blues”, and the more well-known “Wonderful tonight”. George Harrison wrote “For you blue”, and the achingly beautiful, simple “Isn’t it a pity”. The lyrics are perhaps prescient about the eventual break down of their marriage. “Isn’t it a pity / Now, isn’t it a shame / How we break each other’s hearts / And cause each other pain / How we take each other’s love / Without thinking anymore / Forgetting to give back / Isn’t it a pity.” If you’re in the mood for a bout of sadness, listen to the absolutely sorrowful Nina Simone cover.

“Something”, the Beatles’ second-most covered song after the ubiquitous “Yesterday”, is also about Boyd, and it would be hard to beat the song’s lyrical and musical depiction of physical, yet romantic attraction. “Something in the way she moves / Attracts me like no other lover / Something in the way she woos me / I don’t want to leave her now / You know I believe and how.” The tale of how the video for the song was shot adds to its poignancy. The Beatles were alienated from each other, and about to break up the band, so the video featured separate shots of each Beatle and his wife in their homes, later edited together to create the illusion of a seamless whole.

Love songs inspired by real people seem to have been around forever, from early sung Egyptian love poems, to the Old Testament’s

Abelard and Heloise

Song of Songs from around 1000 BCE, to the love songs of the Renaissance period. Some of the saddest love songs ever were written in the 12th Century, as religious hymns, by the lovers Abélard and Héloïse. It’s difficult to separate the myth from the reality, but if the sleeve notes on an old vinyl record I have are to be believed, Abélard and Héloïse were lovers torn apart by the dictates of their time. After falling in love with Héloïse, his student at the time, Abélard seduced her and she became pregnant. They were secretly married, but then, in order to save his career, Abélard convinced Héloïse to enter a convent. In retaliation, Héloïse’s uncle had Abélard castrated. Shamed by his unmanning, Abélard decided to become a monk.

Héloïse eventually became an Abbess, and the couple were never together again. But Abélard wrote some beautiful love songs for Héloïse, now unfortunately lost. Héloïse described the songs as having “great charm and sweetness in language and music, and a soft attractiveness.” Abélard also composed a hymnbook for Héloïse’s religious community, with her help, and the recording I have, possibly fancifully, claims that these hymns were hidden love songs between the two of them, the castrati and the abbess.

I'm gonna ride YOU!

Summing up one of the reasons why people write love songs, Héloïse wrote to Abélard, “While I am denied your presence, give me at least through your words… some sweet semblance of yourself.” Protestations of love have changed somewhat in the intervening 900 or so years. P. Diddy’s ode to J. Lo, for example, contains the less than romantic words, “I need a girl to ride, ride, ride”, although he does go on to say he’ll make her his wife, so I guess that okay. And while the classic form of a love song is a homage to the object of your desire, let’s not forget the sad, angry songs about broken hearts, and the ones that are address to the person who has taken your place in your lover’s affections.

Alanis Morissette’s “You oughta know” is about the disintegration of her relationship with her ex-boyfriend, actor Dave Coulier, and contains a cutting warning to the new girlfriend. “And every time you speak her name / Does she know how you told me / You’d hold me until you died / ‘Til you died, but you’re still alive.” And one of the creepiest love songs of all time is The Police’s “Every breath you take”, written by Sting after separating from his first wife, Frances Tomelty. Incredibly, some people think that this is a cute love song, whereas it’s actually a song about love become deranged, and about stalking the object of your obsession. “Every single day / And every word you say / Every game you play, every night you stay / I’ll be watching you.” Does that really sound romantic?

It’s hard to say what makes a good love song, one that changes your life and affects how you think about love. Country singer Lucinda Williams said that a great love song is written from your own experience of love. That would certainly explain why the songs that move us the most are sometimes those that are written for one specific person. Knowing that the love they’re about was real, and that our love might, perhaps inevitably, suffer the same vicissitudes of time and tragedy, is what adds that extra pang of poignancy.

(First published in Marie Claire, December 2012)

(I’m a finalist in the Sikuvile Standard Bank Awards for 2012, for three columns. I’m republishing them on my blog for easy access. Here’s the first one.)

When you read about Khanyi Mbau’s reaction to the break up of her mother’s marriage (“Khanyi was overjoyed”) and her recollection of Brenda Fassie’s memorial (“it was as if I was the star of the memorial!”), you know you’re dealing with a deeply unlovely person.
It makes it difficult to avoid the instinctive feelings of distaste that this book has already prompted across a wide spectrum of people. For example, reading the description of Mbau’s idea of being a good mother is guaranteed to make any middle class parent wince: “Khanyi also tries to be there on her daughter’s special days, like her birthday.”
However, a kneejerk reaction would be to do a disservice to the writer, Lesley Mofokeng, who has crafted a bleak tale of existential pointlessness. Although possibly despite himself. But a sentence like “Unit 3 on Melrose Square at Melrose Arch was the address to have” ranks with the finest things ever written about futility and despair, and is easily the equal of Beckett’s: “They give birth astride of a grave, the light gleams an instant, then it’s night once more.”
The problem with reviewing a book about a non-entity, or “celebrity”, to use the old parlance, is that you are certain to become embroiled in a battle about who has the right to speak. Because Khanyi Mbau is nothing, in the sense that celebrities are always a construct of society and culture, and can’t exist outside of that construct, every opinion about her necessarily becomes about the person speaking. So instead of falling into the trap of giving legitimacy to the fiction that is Khanyi Mbau, let’s rather look at how this fiction is presented in this biography.
According to the writer, “the story of Khanyi Mbau parallels the new democracy in South Africa. It reflects the changing values of a generation of Born-Frees, tired of the self-sacrifice of the struggle.” And, “Mbau is the unashamed product of the new South Africa.” Such an elision of our cosmogonic myth with a self-serving teleology suggests that we are to see Mbau as having already existed in the very design of our democratic society. It’s bullshit, obviously. There’ve been bubbleheaded socialites using “their wiles and beauty to get ahead”, to adopt Mofokeng’s euphemisms, since the first Neanderthal woman suggestively licked an old mammoth bone in an attempt to get a new fur coat.
The idea that being a self-serving, immoral egomaniac is in some way one of the precious democratic gifts Nelson Mandela bequeathed us, is beyond insulting. You can say many negative things about apartheid, but you can’t deny that as a system for allowing white men to take advantage of penniless black women, it did a far better job than our current government could ever hope to.
Some of the stuff included by Mofokeng seems calculated to make us think Mbau is an idiot. For example, she can see dead people. Lebo Mathosa visits her from the grave, presumably to give her singing lessons. And Mbau is described as a natural talent, but when she gets her big break on the SABC show Hard Copy, she screws it up. “I had to make it work,” she says. “I imagined the line was a diamond and I was determined to polish it until it shone. It was to be the line that would launch me – that would make the career of the great Khanyi Mbau.” But destiny made a fool of her. She couldn’t get the line right no matter how hard she tried. “It was agonising.” What was the line, you ask? “It’s ready.” The producers cut the line, presumably realising that it would be foolish to fight destiny.
Mbau’s contention that she has struggled so that the young girls of South Africa can walk free, hold their heads high and not feel shame at being a kept women paid for sex, is slightly perplexing. I know unemployment is high in our country, but is this really a great career choice? The perplexing part is not that women are forced to make these choices, or that they would want to, but that, given her own experience, Mbau seems to feel they’re worthy choices.
The two major sugar daddies in the book are Mbau’s husband, Mandla Mthembu (“I was basically in the care of this man. His property almost”), and her married lover Theunis Crous (“Theunis bought my soul for R30 000 a month”). Referring to her relationships with older men who gave her money in exchange for owning her, she says, “I was tearing down walls. Breaking taboos. Because of me, younger girls now have the confidence to walk around holding hands publicly with their sugar daddies. They’re inspired by my story.”
I find it difficult to understand the use of the word “inspire” here. You want young girls to believe in the redemptive power of having an older man’s penis forced in them? Or of being kept chattels? Mbau’s sugar daddies beat her up (“Mandla beat me until I bled”), knock her up, and desert her and her daughter (called Cannes, named after … ah, God, I can’t even write it, it’s too depressing). They put naked pictures of her on the internet. Of Mthembu, she says, he “loved anal sex … I remember breaking nails clutching the headboard in pain.”
Mbau’s not exactly a class act. She claims her grandmother is dead so that she can leave the set of Mzansi and go on a Middle East trip with that other celebrity leech, King Goodwill Zwelithini. Here’s her reaction to staying in a hotel room once frequented by megastars like Kanye West: “I fainted on that bed a few times … I should have peed on the bed and left a mark or carved my name into one of the closets!”
Of the four typos in the book, one is a misspelling of the word extravagant. It’s a telling irony. There are some ludicrous examples of Mbau and husband Mandla Mthembu’s Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous (a TV programme that is mentioned many times in this book, and appears to have been Mbau’s bible), examples that suggest that style is not something that you can acquire from watching TV and hanging out at ZAR. “They got special deliveries to their loft of Giovanni’s delicious baby chicken even though the restaurant was right downstairs” (italics mine). I’m not being snide here about the nouveau-riche – I’m despairing at the low level of awareness of millionaires. At least buy your own chicken restaurant, for God’s sake! Even I’ve used Mr Delivery!
At times, Mbau’s vaingloriousness is breathtaking. She styles herself for a photo shoot in a crown of thorns, a la Jesus Christ, “to illustrate how she often feels singled out for public criticism”. She and “fellow star” Jesus are very similar: like Mbau, “Jesus was sold out by one of his own”. Hm. He tried to save humanity’s souls and was sold out for 30 pieces of silver and crucified. Mbau took photos of herself having sex with a man for R30 000 a month, and they ended up on the internet. Am I the only one missing the similarity here?
In the end, the only bit of self-analysis by Mbau that rings true is this: “I sold my soul to the devil but he couldn’t find a buyer for it, so I am lucky to have it back”. Imagine that your sins and excesses are so trite and boringly predictable that not even Satan, the Steve Jobs of temptation and damnation, can find a buyer for it. That’s pretty grim. Although possibly not as grim as Mbau’s idea of what it means to plunge into the depths, and of what constitutes the moral fibre to drag yourself out. “Every day I am surprised by the strength within me. Some people think I’ve hit rock bottom – but that’s okay. They make fun of me for dating a guy who plays the flute. That’s fine.” Antonin Artaud never wrote a better line.

(First published on the Mail & Guardian, August 21, 2012)

(A column I wrote arising from responses to the rape and murder of Anene Booysen)

So I’m sitting in a sauna in a gym in Pretoria (long story), and there’s this guy lying on the wooden slats idly playing with his penis, like a man patting his pet pit bull while slumped on the couch watching SuperSport. He strikes up a conversation, and it turns out we both went to Camps Bay High School, although in different centuries.

I nervously start extolling Camps Bay’s virtues – sun, sea, gorgeous surfers of both genders, general mellowness – and he interrupts me. “My mother forced me to go there for matric, I hated it. They didn’t even have woodwork! I was in a boys-only school beforehand, it was great. Boys shouldn’t have to go to school with girls.”

I’m a little dumbfounded, and obviously I don’t want to arouse the sleeping pit bull, but I have to venture. “Uh, but surely … I mean, girls and stuff?”

He’s adamant. “It’s the worse thing you can do, put boys with girls. I tell you bru, a boys-only school – it’s more spiritual, it’s about respect. Sure, in the first year they pick on you, smack you around a little, but after that …”

I was reminded of the sorely predictable, and tragically unconscious, sexism evinced in the tweets of one Lionel Adendorf. Adendorf is a government spokesperson for the department of agriculture, forestry and fisheries, who was “inspired” by the rape and murder of Anene Booysen to make this comment: “#StopRapeNow – Mothers should not refuse affection from fathers or partners in front of the kids #RIPAnene #AneneBooysen”.

Adendorf was challenged by many people, and you can read an account of his tweets in full, and a relatively positive communications trail between him and gender activist Michelle Solomon, on her blog. His response to his deserved evisceration might give you hope – in this sad world.

I’m paradoxically far more proud of Adendorf and his willingness to learn from his mistakes, however imperfectly understood, than I am of the hordes promoting the “real men don’t rape” fallacy. And Adendorf really doesn’t understand his mistakes in any meaningful sense. He ends his apology by saying: “Sometimes, when fast asleep, my son will feel my ears, kiss my cheeks and my forehead and even, when I am lucky, whisper that he loves me. That is what I wanna experience everyday but my wife, unfortunately, does not always like it when I kiss her when she is busy with her Cosmo or even the dishes.” Even the dishes. Indeed.

But his tweets reveal that much of male society (and certainly some of female society, but that is material for another column, and probably another writer) is desperately out of touch with the real world in which women live. In much the same way, Marie Antoinette was reputed to have been entirely out of touch with the conditions of starving peasants in pre-revolutionary France. We now know that this was made up, but the popularly-believed story is that, when told that there wasn’t enough bread to feed the poor, she said, “Let them eat cake.”

In the same way, attempts by people like Adendorf, to suggest that the way to end sexism and rape is to have a better, more ethical patriarchy, are as much out of touch. It’s a “let them eat cock” solution, if you will, and is lamentably divorced from reality. Religion and government cannot be reformed. There is no ideal state of being for those institutions that will stop the oppression of women. You can have as many women priests, pastors or imams as you want, they’ll still be advocating the worship of a male god. You can have as many women ministers as you want, they’ll still be spending a disproportionate amount of the budget on big guns.

While the call to teach your sons to be gentlemen (in one of Adendorf’s tweets, for example, he says, “Be careful about the language used when referring to women or mothers. Children form their attitudes based on it”), can come from an ostensibly good impulse, it’s inevitably still about perpetuating the stereotypes that allow men the existential freedom to rationalise rape. My acquaintance in the sauna believes that boys should be educated in a male only environment, because it keeps them authentically male, more certain of their place in the world.

But authentically male is the same as inauthentically human. Just as the aristocracy of France eventually lost their heads in a revolution that sprung from their sheer inability to comprehend the conditions of the people they ruled, patriarchy is going to have to undergo a violent revolution before its proponents can understand that their way of being in the world just doesn’t work. Cake won’t solve the problem, because cake IS the problem.

(First published on the Mail & Guardian, February 13 2013, under the title “Patriarchy: Let them eat cock”.)

Honourable members,
Fellow Downtown Africans,
Dope evenin ta you all, sanibonani nonke, molweni, dumelang.
Let mah crazy ass give props ta tha Presidin Officers fo’ affordin mah crazy ass dis opportunitizzle ta share our 2013 programme of action wit tha joint chillin of Parliament.
Our thugged-out asses greet all whoz ass is watchin dis broadcast from they cribs n’ at GCIS viewin centres around tha ghetto, includin em up in Khayelitsha, Nyanga n’ Gugulethu here up in Cape Hood.
Let mah crazy ass also extend mah gratitude ta all whoz ass contributed ta tha preparation of dis address.  I received nuff muthafuckin lyrics via email, twizzle n’ Facebizzle.
I also spent some time wit Grade 12 learners whoz ass shared they own views on what tha fuck should be contained up in tha rap. I found tha inputs straight-up informatizzle n’ enriching.
Honourable Members,
Compatriots n’ playas,
On tha 15th of August last year, tha Nationizzle Plannin Commission handed over tha Nationizzle Development Plan, tha vision of tha ghetto fo’ tha next 20 years, ta tha Prezzy up in dis august house.
Da NDP gotz nuff proposals fo’ tacklin tha problemz of poverty, inequalitizzle n’ unemployment.
It be a roadmap ta a Downtown Africa where all will have water, electricity, sanitation, thangs, housing, hood transport, adequate nutrition, ejaculation, hood protection, qualitizzle gamecare, recreation n’ a cold-ass lil clean environment.

Da achievement of these goals has proven ta be hard as fuck up in tha recent past, due tha global economic recession.
Da crisis up in tha Eurozizzlee affects our economizzle as tha Eurozizzlee is our major tradin partner, accountin fo’ around 21 per cent of our exports.
Our GDP growth is sposed ta fuckin average at 2.5% cent, down from 3.1% up in tha previous year.  Our thugged-out asses need growth rates up in excesz of five per cent ta create mo’ thangs.
Da Nationizzle Development Plan outlines interventions dat can put tha economizzle on a funky-ass mo’ betta footing. Da target fo’ thang creation is set at 11 mazillion by 2030 n’ tha economizzle needz ta grow threefold ta create tha desired thangs.
In mah last meetin wit tha bidnizz hood, tha sector indicated dat fo’ tha economizzle ta grow three-fold, our crazy asses must remove certain obstacles.
Our thugged-out asses will engage bidnizz, labour n’ other hood partners up in pursuit of solutions. No single force actin individually can achieve tha objectives our crazy asses have set fo’ ourselves.
Honourable Members,
I would now like ta report on progress done cooked up since tha last State of tha Nation Address n’ also ta say shit bout our programme of action fo’ 2013.
I will peep tha five prioritizzles – ejaculation, game, tha fight against crime, bustin decent work as well as rural pimpment n’ land reform.

Last year, I addressed tha hood on possez infrastructure plans.
By tha end of March dis year, startin from 2009, posse will have spent bout 860 bazillion rand on infrastructure. Various projects is bein implemented around tha ghetto. I will say shit bout just a gangbangin’ few.
Da construction of tha straight-up original gangsta phase of tha Mokolo n’ Crocodile River  Gin N Juice Augmentation has commenced n’ it will provide part of tha gin n juice required fo’ tha Matimba n’ tha Medupi juice stations.
Da construction of tha bulk gin n juice distribution system fo’ tha De Hoop Dam fuckin started up in October 2012, ta supply gin n juice ta tha Greater Sekhukhune, Waterberg n’ Capricorn district municipalities.
Our thugged-out asses have ta shift tha transportation of coal from road ta rail up in Mpumalanga, up in order ta protect tha provincial roads. Thus  tha construction of tha Majuba Rail coal line will begin soon.
Our thugged-out asses have also committed ta improve tha movement of phats n’ economic integration all up in a Durban-Jacked State-Gauteng logistics n’ industrial corridor.
In dis regard, substantial work is now underway ta pimp tha Citizzle Deep inland terminal up in Gauteng.
Initial work has commenced up in tha expansion of tha Pier 2 up in tha Durban Port.
And thirdly, land has been purchased fo’ tha pimpment of a freshly smoked up dug-out port all up in tha Oldskool Durban airport.
In tha Eastsideside Cape, I officially opened tha port of Ngqura n’ construction is now underway ta pimp a major freshly smoked up transhipment hub.
Da Umzimvubu Dam is critical fo’ rural livelihoods. Preparatory work has commenced fo’ tha construction ta begin next year.
Da upgradin of Mthatha airport runway n’ terminal n’ tha construction of tha Nkosi Dalibhunga Mandela Legacy Road n’ Bridge is currently underway.
I have axed fo’ work up in tha Uptown Westside ta be fast-tracked further up in light of tha big-ass backlogs up in dat province, especially electricity, schools, clinics, roadz n’ gin n juice up in tha next two years.
To improve tha transportation of iron-ore n’ open up tha westside coast of tha ghetto, our crazy asses have expanded tha rail capacitizzle all up in tha delivery of 11 locomotives.

Da first phase of tha expansion – ta increase iron ore port capacitizzle at Saldanha ta 60 mazillion tons per annum – was officially completed up in September last year.
Construction work is takin place up in five ghettos – Cape Hood, Nelson Mandela Bizzle, Rustenburg, eThekwini, Tshwane ta integrate tha different modez of transhiznit – bus, taxi, n’ train.
In tha juice sector, our crazy asses have now laid 675 kilometrez of electricitizzle transmission lines ta connect fast-growin economic centres n’ also ta brang juice ta rural areas.
In addition, posse signed contracts ta tha value of R47 bazillion up in tha renewable juice programme.
This involves 28 projects up in wind, solar n’ lil’ small-ass hydro technologies, ta be pimped up in tha Eastsideside Cape, Westsideside Cape, Uptown Cape n’ up in tha Jacked State.
Our thugged-out asses established a 800 mazillion rand nationistic chronicfund last year.  To date, over 400 mazillion rand investments up in chroniceconomizzle projects has already been approved fo’ municipalities, other organz of state, hood organisations n’ tha private sector across all provinces.
Our thugged-out asses have also rolled up 315 000 solar gin n juice geysers az of January dis year, most of which was given ta skanky households, nuff of whom had never had hustlin hot gin n juice before.
Our thugged-out asses have banged up successes up in extendin basic skillz all up in tha infrastructure programme. Close ta 200 000 householdz done been connected ta tha nationistic electricitizzle grid up in 2012.
Yo ass will also recall dat Census 2011 outlined tha successes up in extendin basic skillz. Da report holla’d tha number of householdz wit access ta electricitizzle is now at 12.1 mazillion, which translates ta 85%. Nine outta 10 householdz have access ta water.
To prepare fo’ tha advizzled economizzle our crazy asses need ta pimp, our crazy asses will expand tha broadband network.
Last year, tha private n’ hood sector laid bout 7000 freshly smoked up fibre optic cables. Da plan is ta achieve 100% broadband internizzle penetration by 2020.
With regard ta hood infrastructure, a total of 98 freshly smoked up schools will done been built by tha end of March, of which mo’ than 40 is up in tha Eastsideside Cape dat is replacin mud schools.
Construction is sposed ta fuckin begin up in September all up in tha cribz of two freshly smoked up universitizzles up in tha Uptown Cape n’ Mpumalanga.
Last week, our crazy asses published a Infrastructure Development Bizzle fo’ hood comment.
Our thugged-out asses is crackin down on corruption, tender fraud n’ price fixin up in tha infrastructure programme.
Da state has collected a substantial dossier of deetz on improper conduct by big-ass construction g-units.
This is now tha subject of formal processez of tha competizzle commission n’ other law enforcement authorities.
Da infrastructure pimpment programme has been a valuable source of peepin’ fo’ posse.  In tha year ahead, our crazy asses will fast-track nuff of tha projects dat tha PICC has announced.
Da lessons is dat our crazy asses must coordinizzle, integrate n’ focus on implementation.
Honourable Members,
Da past two muthafuckin years have demonstrated dat where tha state intervenes straight fuckin n’ consistently, it can turn around key industries dat grill external and internal threats as has happened up in our manufacturin sector.

Our thugged-out asses have peeped tha revitalization of train n’ bus thang up in Downtown Africa, largely cuz of tha drive fo’ local procurement.
PRASA n’ Transnet have committed hundredz of bazillionz of randz ta pimpin-out our commuter n’ freight train network.
Da threadz, textilez n’ footwear industry has stabilised afta 15 muthafuckin yearz of steadily fallin employment fo’ realz. A threadz support scheme provides broad financial support, savin a fuckin shitload of factories n’ thangs.
On broader economic transformation, revised Broad-based Black Economic Empowerment Act n’ codes is bein finalised. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  Da pimpment of black owned enterprises n’ black industrialists is ghon be prioritised.
Posse has nuff muthafuckin programmez of supportin lil’ small-ass bidnizz.  A key project fo’ tha Presidency currently is ta git posse departments ta pay SMMEs within 30 days.
Departments is required ta submit monthly reports so dat our crazy asses can monitor progress up in dis regard.
Our thugged-out asses have taken a thugged-out decision dat accountin officers whoz ass fail ta execute dis directive, should grill consequences.
In tha 2010 State of tha Nation Address, I announced tha Thang fund, n’ three bazillion rand has been approved fo’ projects dat will create thangs.
Honourable Members,
Just over a third of tha population is under tha age of 15. Our ghetto, like nuff others, has a cold-ass lil crisiz of youth unemployment.
Last May I axed constituencies at NEDLAC ta say shit bout youth employment incentives. I be pleased dat raps done been concluded n’ dat agreement has been reached on key principles. Da partizzles will sign tha Accord later dis month.

Da incentives will add ta what tha fuck Posse be already bustin ta empower tha youth.
State owned g-units provide apprenticeships n’ learnerships n’ our crazy asses urge dat these be increased. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  Our thugged-out asses appeal ta tha private sector ta absorb 11 000 FET graduates whoz ass is awaitin placements.

Da Department of Rural Development n’ Land Reform runs tha Nationizzle Rural Youth Skillz Corps, which has enrolled 11 740 lil’ gangstas up in various trainin programmes.
Da Department be also plannin nine Rural Youth Hubs per province, includin up in tha 23 poorest districts up in tha ghetto.
Our thugged-out asses will also bust tha Expanded Public Works Programme n’ tha Communitizzle Work programme ta absorb lil’ gangstas.
Workin together our crazy asses will find a solution ta youth unemployment.
Honourable members,
Our thugged-out asses identified tourizzle as one of our thang drivers.
Tourist arrivals grew at a impressive 10.7 cement between January n’ September 2012, which is higher than tha global average of 4% fo’ last year.
Ironically, tha straight-up succesz of Downtown Africaz nationistic conservation effort resultin up in over 73% of tha ghettos’ rhino population bein conserved here, has resulted up in our ghetto bein targeted by internationistic poachin syndicates.
Our thugged-out asses is hittin dat shizzle wit recipient n’ transit ghettos like fuckin Vietnam, Thailand n’ China n’ is intensifyin our efforts ta combat dis increasin scourge.

Honourable Speaker

Honourable Chairperson,

Mining, which is historically tha backbone of tha economizzle, has faced bullshiznit up in recent months.

Last year tha sector was hit by wild pussaaaaay strikes n’ tha tragedy up in Marikana where mo’ than 44 gangstas was capped.

Our thugged-out asses established a Inter-Ministerial Committee done cooked up up of ballin’ cabinet Ministas ta assist crews durin dat hard as fuck period. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da Judicial Commission of Inquiry led by Judge Ian Farlam continues its work.

Through hittin dat shizzle together our crazy asses was able ta restore hood stabilitizzle up in tha area.

Posse, labour up in tha form of COSATU, NACTU n’ FEDUSA, Bidnizz Unitizzle SA, Black Bidnizz Council n’ tha hood sector kicked it wit up in October n’ reached a agreement which laid tha basis fo’ a return ta work across tha minin industry.

In particular, our crazy asses agreed ta work together ta strengthen collectizzle bargaining; ta address tha housin problems up in tha minin towns; ta support tha Nationizzle infrastructure Programme; ta address youth unemployment; n’ ta identify measures ta reduce inequalities.

Work is underway n’ tha crew will report up in due course wit specific plans fo’ Rustenburg, Lephalale, Emalahleni, Westside Rand, Welkom, Klerksdorp, Burgersfort/Steelport, Carletonville n’ Madibeng.

Two weeks ago, I had a meetin up in Pretoria wit Sir Jizzy Parker, tha chairman of Anglo-American Plc ta say shit bout tha reported plans ta restructure n’ retrench 14 000 workers at Anglo American Platinum.
Compatriots,
Honourable Members,
Our thugged-out asses believe dat at a policy level our crazy asses have managed ta brang bout certainty up in tha minin sector. Da nationalisation rap battle was laid ta rest up in December all up in tha rulin partyz nationistic conference.

Ensurin dat tha hood skillz our crazy asses provide our gangstas todizzle can continue ta be provided ta our gangstas tomorrow, requires dat our crazy asses have suitable tax policies ta generate sufficient revenue ta pay fo’ these skillz.
From time ta time, our crazy asses have commissioned studies tha fuck into our tax policies, ta evaluate tha extent ta which they hook up tha requirementz of tha fiscus.
Later dis year, tha Minista of Finizzle is ghon be commissionin a study of our current tax policies, ta make shizzle dat our crazy asses have a appropriate revenue base ta support hood spending.
Part of dis study, will evaluate tha current minin royaltizzles regime, wit regard ta its mobilitizzle ta suitably serve our gangstas.

Honourable Members,
Distinguished guests,
In last yearz address our crazy asses raised tha issue of tha gap market, tha gangstas whogit too much ta qualify fo’ a RDP doggy den n’ too lil fo’ a funky-ass bank mortgage bond.

From April 2012 ta December 2012, Provincial Departments committed a funky-ass budget of 126 mazillion rand of tha Human Settlements Development Grant fo’ dis programme, known as tha Finizzle Linked Individual Subsidy programme.

Da scrilla is bein used all up in tha Nationizzle Housin Finizzle Corporation, which has been appointed ta serve up houses ta gangstas within tha Gap market up in twelve registered projects.

A total of 70 mazillion rand of dis amount has been used ta date.

Projects include Walmer Link up in tha Eastsideside Cape, Lady Selbourne, Nelmapius, Bohlabela Borwa, Cosmo Citizzle n’ Fleurhof up in Gauteng, Intabazwe Corridor Housin up in tha Jacked State n’ Seraleng up in Uptown Westside.

Da implementation of these eight GAP housin projects is currently underway.
Compatriots n’ playas,
¬Honourable Members,
On ejaculation, our crazy asses is pleased dat tha Grade 12 pass rate is finally on a upward trend. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Our thugged-out asses congratulate tha Clasz of 2012, they mackdaddys, muthafathas n’ communitizzles fo’ tha continued improvement.
Our thugged-out asses congratulate tha top province fo’ 2012, Gauteng n’ top grade 12 learner, Miss Madikgetho Komane, from Sekhukhune district, Limpopo, whoz ass is our special guest.
Honourable members,

Da Annual Nationizzle Assessments up in schools, have become a bangin tool of assessin tha game of our ejaculation system.

Our thugged-out asses welcome tha improvement each year up in tha ANA thangs up in dis biatch yo, but mo’ must be done ta improve maths, science n’ technologizzle.

Da Department of Basic Ejaculation will establish a nationistic task crew ta strengthen tha implementation of tha Mathematics, Science n’ Technologizzle Strategy.
Our thugged-out asses urge tha private sector ta partner posse all up in establishing, adoptin and sponsorin maths n’ science academies and Saturdizzle schools.
Compatriots,
Our thugged-out asses is pleased wit tha growth of our early childhood ejaculation programmes, includin Grade R.

Our thugged-out asses is also pleased wit our adult ejaculation programme, Khari Gude, which has reached mo’ than 2,2 mazillion gangstas between 2008 n’ 2011.
Our thugged-out asses also continue ta encourage gangstas from all strutts never ta quit peepin’.  Many was inspired when accomplished musical muthafucka n’ mah special guest, Mista Muthafuckin Sipho Hotstix Mabuse obtained his crazy-ass matric last year, all up in tha age of 60.
Honourable Members,
Our thugged-out asses declared ejaculation as a apex prioritizzle up in 2009. Our thugged-out asses wanna peep everyone up in tha ghetto realisin dat ejaculation be a essential steez fo’ our nation.
By sayin ejaculation be a essential steez our crazy asses is not takin away tha Constipationizzle muthafuckin rightz of mackdaddys as workers like fuckin tha muthafuckin right ta strike.
It means our crazy asses want tha ejaculation sector n’ society as a whole ta take ejaculation mo’ seriously than is goin down currently.
All successful societizzles have one thang up in common – they invested up in ejaculation. I aint talkin’ bout chicken n’ gravy biatch. Decent salaries n’ conditionz of steez will play a blingin role up in attracting, motivatin n’ retainin scapped mackdaddys.
In dis regard, our crazy asses will establish a Prezzyial Remuneration Commission which will investigate tha appropriatenizz of tha remuneration n’ conditionz of steez provided by tha State ta all its hommies.

I have pimped up dat tha straight-up original gangsta prioritizzle should be mackdaddys.
Da Commission will also assess tha return on investment.
In elevatin ejaculation ta its rightful place, our crazy asses wanna peep a improvement up in tha qualitizzle of peepin’ n’ teachin n’ tha management of schools. Our thugged-out asses wanna peep a improvement up in attitudes, posture n’ outcomes.
Workin wit educators, muthafathas, tha hood n’ various stakeholdas, our crazy asses is ghon be able ta turn our schools tha fuck into centrez of excellence.

Honourable Members,
Five muthafuckin years ago, Downtown Africa had such a low thuglife expectancy dat smart-ass muthafuckas suggested dat by 2015, our thuglife expectancy would done been exactly where it was up in 1955.
It was wit phat reason dat our crazy asses was delighted when late last year, studies from tha Medicinal Research Council, tha Lizzlet medicinal journal n’ others fuckin started reportin a thugged-out dramatic increase up in thuglife expectancy from a average baseline of 56 muthafuckin years up in 2009 ta 60 muthafuckin years up in 2011. These reports also noted significant decreases up in infant n’ under five mortality.
Increased thuglife expectancy be a key ta tha ghettoz pimpment. Muthafuckas is returnin ta work, they is bein productive, economically n’ hoodly.  Da gang structure is increasingly stable n’ muthafathas live longer n’ is able ta take care of they children.
Our thugged-out asses should not become complacent, up in light of these achievements.
Given tha high co-infection rate between HIV n’ TB, our crazy asses have integrated these skillz.
Work be also continuin on tha research side. Downtown Africa has discovered a cold-ass lil muthafucka sticky-icky-icky ta treat Malaria.
In addition, researchers all up in tha Centre fo’ tha Aidz Programme of Research up in Downtown Africa consortium, also discovered broad neutralisin antibodies against HIV.
Deputy Prezzy Motlanthe has appointed freshly smoked up thugz of tha Downtown African Nationizzle Aidz Council Trust. Our thugged-out asses congratulate tha crew, which is led by retired Judge Zac Yacoob, as chairperson.
Diseasez of lifestyle is on a alarmin increase.  Our thugged-out asses have ta combat n’ lower tha levelz of tokin, harmful effectz of brew, skanky diets n’ obesity.
Honourable members,

In 2014 our crazy asses will create tha Nationizzle Game Insurizzle Fund. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da Department of Game will accelerate n’ intensify progress up in tha pilot districts.
In dat regard, as from April dis year, tha straight-up original gangsta crew of approximately 600 private medicinal practitioners is ghon be contracted ta provide medicinal skillz at 533 clinics within hoodz n’ townships up in 10 of tha pilot districts.
Compatriots n’ playas,
In June our crazy asses will mark tha centenary of tha 1913 Land Act which turned homies tha fuck into wanderers, labourers n’ pariahs up in they own land.
Forma ANC Prezzy Sefako Makgatho outlined as such up in his 1919 ANC conference prezial address.
Dude holla’d;
“Da Natizzle Land Act still operates as mercilessly up in different partz of tha Union, n’ as a result nuff natizzle crews is still hittin dat shizzle fo’ white farmers only fo’ they chicken”.

Our thugged-out asses is also honoured, up in dis year of tha anniversary of tha 1913 Land Act, ta have present among us, Mrs Nomhlangano Beauty Mkhize, one of tha veterans whoz ass together wit her homeboy, Saul Mkhize, led tha struggle against forced removals up in Driefontein n’ Daggaskraal, up in tha present Mpumalanga Province.
Da land question be a highly emotizzle matter.
Our thugged-out asses need ta resolve it amicably within tha framework of tha Constipation n’ tha law.
I received a message on Facebizzle from Thulani Zondi whoz ass raised his concern bout tha slow pace of land redistribution. I aint talkin’ bout chicken n’ gravy biatch yo. Dude holla’d:  ”Mista Muthafuckin Prezzy, as our crazy asses is commemoratin 100 muthafuckin years since tha Land act of 1913 was introduced ta dispossess tha African majority.

“I urge you ta accelerate redistribution of tha land ta tha landless African gangstas.
“When our crazy asses do tha redistribution our crazy asses need ta be mindful of chicken security. Trainin n’ mentorshizzle of emergin black commercial farmers must take place”.
From 1994, our crazy asses done been addressin tha land reform problem all up in restitution, redistribution n’ tenure reform.
As stated before, our crazy asses aint gonna be able ta hook up our redistribution targets.
Possez mid-term review last year revealed a fuckin shitload of shortcomings up in our land reform implementation programme. Our thugged-out asses will bust em lessons ta improve implementation.
Firstly, our crazy asses must shorten tha time it takes ta finalise a cold-ass lil claim. In dis regard, Posse will now pursue tha ‘just n’ equitable’ principle fo’ compensation, as set up up in tha Constipation instead of tha “willin buyer, willin seller” principle, which forces tha state ta  pay mo’ fo’ land than tha actual value.
Secondly there is proposed amendments ta tha Restitution of Land Rights Act, 1994 up in order ta provide fo’ tha re-openin of tha lodgement of restitution fronts, by gangstas whoz ass missed tha deadline of 31 December 1998.
Also ta be explored, is exceptions ta tha June 1913 cut-off date ta accommodate fronts by tha descendantz of tha Khoi n’ San as well as heritage cribs n’ historical landmarks.
Another key lesson is ta provide adequate post-settlement support ta freshly smoked up landballaz so dat land continues ta be productive.
Our thugged-out asses also need ta provide mo’ betta incentives fo’ commercial farmers dat is willin n’ capable of mentorin smallholda farmers.
Another challenge our crazy asses have faced is tha preference fo’ scrilla instead of land by some claimants, which also do not help our asses ta chizzle land ballazhip patterns.

As part of tha Presidency stakeholda engagement programme ahead of tha State of tha Nation Address, Deputy Prezzy Motlanthe held a meetin wit both farmers n’ farm workers up in Paarl on Tuesday.
Stakeholdaz agreed dat there should be peace n’ stabilitizzle up in tha agriculture sector n’ dat tha livin n’ hittin dat shizzle conditionz of farm workers should be improved urgently.
It be also encouragin dat even tha farmers called fo’ tha fast trackin of land reform n’ support ta emergin farmers.
Our thugged-out asses will continue tha engagement wit both farmers n’ farm workers.
Compatriots n’ playas,
Our thugged-out asses should also remain mindful of rapid urbanisation dat is takin place. Da Census Statistics reveal dat 63% of tha population is livin up in urban areas. This is likely ta increase ta over 70% by 2030.
Apartheid spatial patterns still persist up in our towns n’ ghettos. Municipalitizzles alone cannot deal wit tha challenges. Our thugged-out asses need a nationistic approach.
While rural pimpment remains a prioritizzle of posse, it is crucial dat our crazy asses also pimp a nationistic integrated urban pimpment framework ta assist municipalitizzles ta effectively manage rapid urbanisation.
As part of implementin tha Nationizzle Development Plan, all three spherez of posse need ta manage tha freshly smoked up wave of urbanisation up in ways dat also contribute ta rural pimpment.
Honourable Members,
Improvin tha statuz of dem hoes remains a cold-ass lil critical prioritizzle fo’ dis posse.

Da Bizzle on Gender Equalitizzle n’ Booty Empowerment has been approved by Cabinet fo’ hood comment. Da Bizzle criminalizes practices dat have adverse effects on dem hoes n’ hoes.
It also legislates tha 50/50 policy posizzle wit regard ta tha representation of dem hoes up in decision bustin structures.
Honourable members,
Da brutal gang rape n’ cappin’ of Anene Booysen n’ other dem hoes n’ hoes up in recent times has brought tha fuck into sharp focus tha need fo’ unitizzle up in action ta eradicate dis scourge.
Da brutalitizzle n’ wackty meted up ta defenceless dem hoes is unacceptable n’ has no place up in our ghetto. Last year tha Nationizzle Council on Gender Based Violence was established. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!
It comprises posse, non-governmenstrual Organizations, Community-Based Organizations, Faith-Based organizations, academia, research institutions, posse, menz groupings, n’ representation from women, lil pimps n’ peeps wit disabilities.
Our thugged-out asses urge dis coordinatin structure ta make tha campaign of fightin violence against dem hoes a everydizzle campaign.
Our thugged-out asses applaud all sectors fo’ tha campaigns dat have taken place already, highlightin dat such acts aint gonna be tolerated.
I have pimped up law enforcement agencies ta treat these cases wit tha utmost urgency n’ importizzle. Da Family Violence, Lil Pimp Protection n’ Sexuizzle Offences Units, which was re-established up in 2010, have increased personnel.
Durin tha last financial year, tha Units secured over 363 thuglife sentences, wit a cold-ass lil conviction rate of 73% fo’ crimes against dem hoes above 18 muthafuckin years oldschool n’ 70% fo’ crimes against lil pimps under 18 muthafuckin yearz of age.

Masibhunkule sisebenze sonke, silwe nalenkinga esibhekene nayo yabantu abadlwengula omame nezingane, ngisho nezalukazi imbala. Ihlazo nobunswelaboya obesabekayo lokhu abakwenzayo. Izigilamkhuba kufanele zibikwe emaphoyiseni ziboshwe.
Posse be addin other mechanizzlez ta protect women, like fuckin tha Protection from Harassment Bizzle. While tha Domestic Violence Act also provides protection, it only applies ta peeps whoz ass is up in a thugged-out domestic relationship.
Da Protection from Harassment Bizzle also deals wit harassment by peeps whoz ass stalk they suckas by meanz of electronic communications.
In addition, tha Combatin of Traffickin up in Persons Bizzle was passed by tha Nationizzle Assembly last year n’ is now all up in tha Nationizzle Council of Provinces.
Once implemented, tha law will  assist dem hoes n’ children, whoz ass is often suckaz of dis heinous crime.
Compatriots n’ playas,
There is increased visibilitizzle of tha five-o which contributes ta tha reduction up in tha levelz of straight-up crime.
Da operations focusin on illegal firearms, jacked n’ robbed hoopties, liquor n’ sticky-icky-ickys which is regarded as main generatorz of crime have assisted up in crime reduction.
Compatriots n’ playas,
Posse continues ta wage a war against corruption.
Da capacitizzle of tha Special Investigatin Unit has grown from a initial 70 staff thugz ta mo’ than 600 at present.

I have since 2009, signed 34 proclamations directin tha SIU ta investigate allegationz of corruption, fraud and maladministration up in various posse departments n’ state entities.
Criminal Investigations was initiated against 203 accused peeps up in 67 prioritizzle cases under investigation by tha end September 2012.
In total, pre-trial proceedings done been initiated against 191 peeps fo’ realz. A total of 66 peeps under investigation is alleged ta have received R5 mazillion and mo’ benefits all up in corruption. I aint talkin’ bout chicken n’ gravy biatch. Freezin Ordaz was obtained against 46 peeps.
In other successes, up in tha past financial year, 107 officials hittin dat shizzle within tha criminal justice system was convicted. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!
Da Asset Forfeiture Unit seized assets valued at mo’ than R541 mazillion. I aint talkin’ bout chicken n’ gravy biatch fo’ realz. A total of R61 mazillion of these assets have already been forfeited ta tha State. Da assets is channelled back ta fightin crime n’ corruption all up in tha Criminal Asset Recovery Account.
Last year, additionizzle fundin of R150 mazillion from tha Criminal Assets Recovery Account was approved fo’ tha work of tha Anti-Corruption Task Crew which comprises tha Hawks, tha Special Investigatin Unit n’ tha Nationizzle Prosecutin Authority.
These resources is aimed at strengthenin tha capacitizzle of these law enforcement agencies up in our resolve ta fight corruption.
Our thugged-out asses urge tha private sector ta also take dis fight against corruption seriously so dat our crazy asses tackle it from all angles.
To further boost tha fight against corruption, our crazy asses will fill all vacant posts all up in tha upper echelonz of tha criminal justice system.
Compatriots n’ playas,
Honourable Members,
There is some lessons from Marikana n’ other incidents dat our crazy asses cannot allow ta recur up in our ghetto.
Our Constipation is truly one of our top billin nationistic achievements.   Everythang dat our crazy asses do as a posse is guided by our Constipation n’ its vision of tha society our crazy asses is building.
Our thugged-out asses call on all playa hatas ta celebrate, promote n’ defend our Constipation.
Our Bizzle of Rights guarantees dat “everyone has tha right, peacefully n’ unarmed,  ta assemble, ta demonstrate, ta picket n’ ta present petitions”.
Our thugged-out asses therefore call on our gangstas ta exercise they muthafuckin rights ta protest up in a peaceful n’ orderly manner.
It be unacceptable when gangstasz muthafuckin rights is violated by perpetratorz of violent actions, like fuckin actions dat lead ta injury n’ dirtnap of peeps, damage ta property n’ tha destruction of valuable hood infrastructure.
Our thugged-out asses is duty bound ta uphold, defend n’ respect tha Constipation as tha supreme law of tha Republic. Our thugged-out asses will spare no effort up in bustin so.
For dis reason, I have instructed tha Justice, Crime Prevention n’ Securitizzle Clusta ta put measures up in place, wit immediate effect, ta ensure dat any incidentz of violent protest is acted upon, investigated n’ prosecuted.
Courts is ghon be allocated ta deal wit such cases on a prioritised roll. Da law must be enforced n’ it must be peeped ta be enforced – fairly, effectively n’ expeditiously.
Da playa hataz of our ghetto gots a muthafuckin right ta expect dat they democratic state will exercise its authoritizzle up in defence of tha Constipation dat all kindsa muthafuckin struggled so long n’ hard for. Our thugged-out asses cannot disappoint dis expectation.
Da JCPS Clusta has therefore put measures up in place at national, provincial n’ local level ta deal wit such incidents effectively.
Let mah crazy ass hasten ta add dat posse departments at all levels must work closely wit communitizzles n’ ensure dat all concerns is attended ta before they escalate.  That responsibilitizzle remains. Our thugged-out asses is a cold-ass lil carin posse.

Honourable Members,
This year our crazy asses big-up tha 50th anniversary of tha birth of tha Organization of African Unitizzle which has been succeeded by tha African Union.

Our thugged-out asses pay tribute ta tha OAU fo’ its relentless struggle fo’ tha decolonization of our continent, includin contributin ta our own freedom.

Our thugged-out asses will continue ta work fo’ a stronger n’ mo’ effectizzle organization of our Union.
Da NEPAD programme as well as tha African Peer Review Mechanizzle have just bigged up they tenth year of existence.

As tha convener of tha NEPAD Prezzyial Infrastructure Championin Initiative, Downtown Africa continues ta work wit other champions ta implement high impact infrastructure projects up in tha continent.

On peace n’ security, our crazy asses stand by tha gangstaz of Mali up in they effort ta claim n’ assert tha territorial integritizzle of they ghetto.

Our thugged-out asses urge tha leadershizzle up in tha Central African Republic, Guinea Bissau n’ Somalia ta continue they march towardz lastin peace fo’ tha sake of they gangstas. Our thugged-out asses remain firmly opposed ta unconstipationizzle chizzle of posse.

Our thugged-out asses is encouraged by tha pimpments between Sudan n’ Downtown Sudan. I aint talkin’ bout chicken n’ gravy biatch. Our thugged-out asses commend our forma Prezzy Thabo Mbeki n’ other thugz of tha AU High Level Panel fo’ tha dedicated manner up in which they done been hittin dat shizzle wit tha two sides.

Our thugged-out asses is up in solidaritizzle wit tha DRC as tha ghetto battlez tha menace ta its security.

Downtown Africa will continue supportin Africaz peace efforts includin all up in mediation, troop contribution fo’ peace keeping, n’ by providin material n’ financial assistizzle.

In dis regard, our crazy asses look forward ta tha conclusion of polistical dialogues up in Zimbabwe n’ Madagascar.

Our vision of a funky-ass mo’ betta Africa up in a funky-ass mo’ betta ghetto will receive pimped out impetus when our crazy asses host tha 5th BRICS Summit next month up in Durban.

Our thugged-out asses is inspired by tha exponential growth of bilateral relations, diplomatically n’ economically, between Downtown Africa n’ other BRICS ghettos.

Strengthenin North-Downtown relations remains central ta our foreign policy agenda.
Our thugged-out asses reaffirm our partnershizzle wit ghettoz of tha North, especially tha USA, Europe n’ Japan.
Da UNz 70th anniversary provides a opportunitizzle ta take forward tha transformation of tha UN Securitizzle Council.

Our thugged-out asses shall continue ta bust tha G20 ta represent tha aspirationz of tha gangstaz of Africa n’ push fo’ tha transformation of Bretton Woodz institutions.
Downtown Africaz internationalizzle has a phat element of solidaritizzle ta dat shit.  Our thugged-out asses stand wit tha gangstaz of Palestine as they strive ta turn a freshly smoked up leaf up in they struggle fo’ they muthafuckin right ta self-determination; hence our crazy asses supported they bid fo’ statehood.
Da expansion of Israeli settlements tha fuck into Palestinian territories be a straight-up stumblin block ta tha resolution of tha conflict.

Da muthafuckin right of self determination fo’ tha gangstaz of Westsideside Sahara has ta be realised.
Our thugged-out asses remain firm up in our call fo’ tha liftin of tha economic embargo against Cuba.
Workin together our crazy asses can do mo’ ta create a funky-ass mo’ betta Africa n’ a funky-ass mo’ betta ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.

Compatriots,

In tha year 2012, our crazy asses focused on preservin n’ promotin our ghettoz cultural heritage wit particular emphasis on our liberation heritage.
Our thugged-out asses also hosted a phat Nationizzle Summit on Social Cohesion, focusin on buildin a hoodly inclusive, carin n’ proud as a muthafucka nation.
In tha implementation of our programme our crazy asses will work wit our Social Cohesion Advocates; eminent Downtown Africans drawn from a variety of sectors within our society.
Our thugged-out asses is proud as a muthafucka ta have up in our midst dis evening, two of our eminent hood cohesion advocates, Judge Yvonne Mokgoro n’ Advocate George Bizos.
Compatriots,
This year marks tha 50th anniversary of tha Raid on Liliesleaf Farm, tha Escape from Marshall Square as well as tha Start of tha Rivonia Trial.
A seriez of events is bein planned all up in tha year ta mark tha three events, culminatin up in a nationistic commemoration on tha 11th of July.
Honourable Members
Our thugged-out asses have just concluded a highly successful Africa Cup of Nations tournament. Our thugged-out asses extend hearty props ta tha African champions, tha Federal Rehood of Nigeria n’ also ta all participatin crews fo’ they contribution ta showcasin tha standard of African football.

Our thugged-out asses give props ta all our gangstas fo’ bein pimpin hosts n’ fans.
I had tha opportunitizzle ta personally give props ta CAF Prezzy Honourable Issa Hayatou fo’ affordin our asses tha honour of hostin tha AFCON.
Compatriots n’ playas,
As I holla’d earlier, dis programme of action is ghon be implemented differently as tha activitizzlez of departments must be aligned wit tha Nationizzle Development Plan.
Compatriots,
Before concluding, let mah crazy ass take dis opportunitizzle ta extend our heartfelt condolences ta tha gang of struggle stalwart n’ prominent human muthafuckin rights lawyer, Comrade Phyllis Naidoo whoz ass passed on todizzle.
Only recently, our crazy asses lost Comrade Amina Cachalia.
Our thugged-out asses is truly saddened by tha loss.
Honourable Members,
Compatriots,
As Downtown Africans, our crazy asses should continue ta have one primary goal – ta make our ghetto a truly pimped out n’ prosperous nation.
Kool as fuck Valentinez Dizzle ta you all!
I give props ta yo thugged-out ass.

Listen to the song on my music tumblr, read my long feature piece on Piet Botha, and/or read a review of his last album Spookpsalms.

Goeienag Generaal

Ja, dit was die oorlog vir die nuwe dag
Vir die kerkraad, swanger meisie wat wag
In die reën, al die kinders wat die dominee seën,
Al die jong laaities nou net uit die skool,
Welkom, welkom
Dit was vir die ryk man op Waterkloofstraat
Blink gebou, almal werk, maar niemand mag praat
Was vir die weduwees en die armes van gees
En almal in uniform, en die kapelaan lees

Maar Whitey, jou oë op daar dag
Was blou net soos die lug
Toe ons weer so kyk
Het ‘n AK jou fucked-up geskiet
Goeienag Generaal

Hulle was die oorlog vir die nuwe dag
Vir Harry Oppenheimer en al sy maats
Vir Rembrandt van Rijn en Alfred Dunhill
En die OK Bazaars
En die hele bloody spul by die SAUK
Julle was die oorlog vir die CIA
Generaal ry rond in sy blink swart kar
Speel skaak met die kinders van ons land
En agter hom is die wêreld nou erg aan die brand

Maar Whitey, jou oë op daar dag
Was blou net soos die lug
Toe ons weer so kyk
Het ‘n AK jou fucked-up geskiet
Goeienag Generaal

Maar Whitey, jou oë op daar dag
Was blou net soos die lug
Toe ons weer so kyk
Het ‘n AK jou fucked-up geskiet
Goeienag Generaal, slaap lekker

(Written by Piet Botha)

Citation for John Maxwell Coetzee

John Maxwell Coetzee’s career as a novelist and cultural critic over almost 40 years has been marked by bold innovation and the highest standards of excellence. In 2003 he was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. Following the award of this prize to Nadine Gordimer in 1991, Coetzee was only the second South Africans to win this most eminent of prizes in the category of literature.In contrast to Gordimer, however, who scrupulously described South African social conditions under apartheid in the mould of social realism, Coetzee explored the discursive undercarriage of fiction under conditions of colonialism and apartheid.

Not only did his work show the devastating effects of colonial raiding on indigenous human subjects, it also explored the politics of writing about such historically momentous events and conditions.In doing this, Coetzee was the first significant exemplar of the postmodern turn in South African fiction. His startling debut, Dusklands (1974), was followed by a series of novels that set South African writing on a wholly new and exhilarating course.

His work quickly began to intrigue and fascinate literary scholars from around the world, and Coetzee remains one of the most written-about novelists in the fields of South African and postcolonial writing. He has the rare distinction of having won the Booker-Mann prize twice, first for Life & Times of Michael K in 1983, and then for Disgrace in 1999.Other prizes awarded to him include the James Tait Back Memorial Prize, the Geoffrey Faber Memorial Prize, the Sunday Express Book of the Year Award, the CNA Prize, the Irish Times International Fiction Prize, the Commonwealth Writers’ Prize, the Jerusalem Prize for the Freedom of the Individual in Society, and the French Prix Femina Étranger.

Coetzee was born in Cape Town in 1940 and held a series of positions at the University of Cape Town between 1972 and 2000, when he retired from the post of Distinguished Professor of Literature. In 2002 he emigrated to Australia, where he holds an honorary position at the University of Adelaide. During his career, Coetzee taught frequently at universities in the United States, including Harvard University, Stanford University, the State University of New York, Johns Hopkins University, and the University of Chicago, where for six years he was a member of the Committee on Social Thought.
Apart from his 12 novels, Coetzee has written a trilogy of fictionalised memoirs (Boyhood, Youth and Summertime), five books of criticism and numerous articles in prestigious periodicals such as The New York Review of Books. He has also made several translations from Afrikaans and Dutch.
His novels track both a history of colonial imposition in southern Africa, and relationships of power more generally. In addition, his work deals with the politics of agency in fictional writing about South Africa and similar postcolonies. So, for example, in his third novel, Waiting for the Barbarians (1980), the liberal magistrate on the outposts of an unnamed Empire not only tries to understand the otherness of so-called barbarians outside the Empire’s borders, but also struggles in vain to decipher archaeological remains of this ‘Other’, which contain an unreadable alphabet. Critics have read this as a metafictional allegory of the limitations of white settler-writers. Such writers may be able to describe and dramatise frontier conflict, but the uncomfortable question posed by Coetzee is whether they can ‘read’ the subjectivity of the so-called barbarian outside of their own epistemological modes of understanding? The novel Waiting for the Barbarians is therefore not only about frontier conflict, but also about the intractability of ‘writing up’ what lies beyond ideological and discursive borders. In Coetzee’s hands, the novel, a representational medium, then, becomes a meditation on the intricate politics of representation.
In Foe (1986), Coetzee reframes Daniel Defoe’s classic, Robinson Crusoe, in a typical gesture of postmodern exposure. In this allegory of the politics of writing, Coetzee exposes the artifice and limitations of what he calls ‘white writing’.
Indeed, in his seminal collection of essays under that very title (White Writing, 1988), Coetzee broke new ground in critical approaches to South African literature studies. He was one of the first critics to undercut the traditions of unreflective, so-called ‘liberal-humanist’ criticism, which remained blind to discursive and material power-structures while offering condescendingly ‘sympathetic’ views of South African conditions. Instead, Coetzee’s own criticism has always been remorselessly reflexive, theoretically informed and surgically unsentimental. His work has deeply marked an entire generation of literary-cultural scholars, in South Africa and in the literary world at large, not least because of his radical defence of writing as a domain which owes no allegiance to any other. It is not for nothing that he was accorded the ultimate honour of the Nobel Prize for Literature. In his later novels, especially after Disgrace, Coetzee increasingly moved away from overt South African content, writing more metafictional and ethically weighted novels.
Whether in fiction, autobiography, the critical essay, the extended book review or the interview, Coetzee has resolutely defied convention and created alternative modes of seeing and writing. In doing this, his work has resituated the human subject in ways that have drawn the attention of writers, critics and philosopher in almost every corner of a world that he, as writer, has re-imagined in significant and remarkable ways.

The full collection is on my Tumblr chrisroperza.tumblr.com

#17 #20forgottenSAsongs

Crazy – Blk Sonshine

I love this band. They combine traditional African folksiness (I know, that’s not really a genre) with a rootsy hiphop ethos, and they just plain make you happy. You probably know “Born in a taxi”, but this is the first song on their first album, Blk Sonshine (1998). The band is Masauko Chipembere and Neo Muyanga, and I think of the band as Capetonian because of Neo (he works at UCT in the music department), but actually they’re a Malawian/Sotho/American hybrid. They’re collaborating on an upcoming album with RZA of Wu-Tang, which is pretty damn cool.

#18 #20forgottenSAsongs

Thugs – The Dynamics (1984)

Ska was alive and well in the 80s in SA, and The Dynamics were one of the great bands. Live, they were amazing, like The Rudimentals but much punkier. This song is actually a great song irrespective of geography: in the UK, it would have been seen as a classic of the era. It’s weirdly ominous as well as being danceable, a very fitting soundtrack to a party in the apartheid 80s. The musos were Winston Nyaunda, Harvey Roberts:, Jimmy Florence, and ex-Asylum Kid Steve Howells. Funny historical note: according to the SA Rock DIgest, when the band tried to tour the UK in 1984, Winston Nyaunda was turned back at Heathrow as he had a Boputhatswana passport – not a country recognized by the UK.

#19 #20forgottenSAsongs

We been robbed – Three Bored White Guys

Three Bored White Guys were a great country meets rockabilly meets pure rock ‘n roll band from Cape Town. Famously, they were started by Anton Marshall (now with Longtime Citizen, and the Rolling Stone SA online editor), who isn’t actually white. When a fourth member joined, Anton had to endure the ignominy of being asked when the band had decided to get a coloured bassplayer. Other members included the great Greg Donnelly, whose big group was the Dolly Rockers (formed 1990). One of Greg’s other projects, Waxy O’Conor, was an incredible homage to a dirty Elvis, if memory serves me correctly.Three Bored White Guys became Three More White Guys, and lineups varied, including Steve Smith (@stevesmithza) on guitar (currently Red Bull Mag editor, and writer of the Herschelle Gibbs biography), and Frank Ellis. I could go on, but why bother. This is “We been robbed” (2005).

#20 #20forgottenSAsongs

You can’t make it big in a small town – The Glee Club

There are a lot of great South African rock bands that you might have never heard of, or at least never heard their music. So I’m going to choose 20 songs, one a day, that never had a chance because of the tiny, circumscribed nature of the SA music scene. We’ll start with the song that sums it all up, “You can’t make it big in a small town”, by The Glee Club. This band was an offshoot of the incredibly good Radio Rats from Springs, and both starred that genius lyricist Jonathan Handley. This song is from 1997, and was dedicated to Helen Martins from the Owl House, another major talent stuck in a society too small for her creativity. By the way – this band is so under the radar, I couldn’t even find the album cover online.And remember: this isn’t supposed to be exhaustive, or even representative. It’s just a bunch of cds I’ve got lying around in a drawer.