Joining the Taliban

I wanted to call this column, “Why I’m joining the Taliban, and why P.W.Botha was right.” Unfortunately, while the internet is many things, it’s not kind to long headlines.

And anyway, the answer is far, far shorter than the implied question. And that answer is: Russians. I’m joining the Taliban because of Russians.
The Afghans might have succeeded in getting the Russians out of Afghanistan in the 80s, but all that meant is that they are now all over countries like Thailand. Sure, this is a more benign invasion, but it’s still a ghastly one.
Having just spent a couple of weeks in Thailand, I’ve been treated (sob) to some intimate close encounters with Russians. Okay, not just Russians, also Bulgarians and Montenegrans, but I’m using Russian as a catch-all term.
Russians must be the worst tourists in the world. I was positively relieved to run across Americans, Australians and South Africans, who suddenly appear as quiet, meek, courteous people who actually say thank you when someone serves them a drink.
And who knew that P.W Botha’s constant warning to us that the Russians were so close to invading South Africa, they were under our beds, was so prescient? Except he didn’t go far enough.
They aren’t just under our beds, these rhinestone Cossacks are splayed out on loungers next to the pool, the women in skimpy g-strings, bloated botox, and life-preservers disguised as breasts, and the men in 50kgs of gold jewellery,  badly executed tattoos, and small leopard-print  knock-off Speedos with carefully sown pouches in front for their penises.
But bad dress sense and total lack of style is something I can handle. Hey, I live in South Africa, where you can’t even get a good loincloth to fit you, and where men actually have things called party jeans. It’s the rudeness and utter lack of regard for anyone around them that really got to me.
A prime example is the propensity for Russian women to walk around wearing only a g-string and a coating of coconut oil. This is a Buddhist country with a very fixed idea of decorum and dress, so it’s blatantly insulting to wave your breasts in front of the guy cleaning the pool.
Not that there weren’t other nationalities being rude to Thais. At the ticket office for the Grand Palace, a German woman was trying to get her hulking great 11-year-old son in at half price. But the Thai attendant was having none of it, assuming that the giant, overstuffed bratwurst of a kid must be at least 21.
“But he is only 11, this is not fair!” whined the German woman. “You Thai are too small! Even your men are smaller than him!” The Thai attendant wasn’t having any of it, though, and insising on being paid.
“This is not good system! This is not good system!” lamented the German woman. “You are too small! This is not good system!” I thought it was all a bit of a fuss considering how cheap the admission price was anyhow, even to a South African for whom the word Euro is something you say when you hop into a dinghy.
Yep, if the Taliban ever need to shoot a recruitment video (which they can’t, actually, as video is banned by the fun-loving little devils), they should do it in the tourist areas of Thailand. If ever you wanted a snapshot of the decadence of Western culture, this is it.
In fact, Thailand is pretty much the definition of pure evil for a Talibanny, or whatever they call themselves, given that a Taliban list of prohibitions I found on Wikipedia includes any of the following: “pork, pig, pig oil, anything made from human hair, satellite dishes, cinematography, and equipment that produces the joy of music, pool tables, chess, masks, alcohol, tapes, computers, VCRs, television, anything that propagates sex and is full of music, wine, lobster, nail polish, firecrackers, statues, sewing catalogs, pictures, Christmas cards.”
And then there’s that pesky bit of Taliban Sharia interpretation which bans “employment, education and sports for women, movies, television, videos, music, dancing, hanging pictures in homes, clapping during sports events, kite flying, and beard trimming.”
Since rural women appear to do all the work in South Africa, this kind of prohibition would spell disaster to the male South African way of life, best summed up as ‘Laziness.” So, alas, I’m not going to join the Taliban. If they allowed new recruits to mix and match their prohibitions, for example swap the ban on lobster for one that banned Russians, I might reconsider.

(First published on News24.com, this column was the subject to a complaint to the SA Human Rights Commission. Read the complaint, and my response.)

1. 

   Taliban and me | chrisroper.co.za says:

   January 25, 2010 at 6:09 pm

   [...] Joining the Taliban share this [...]
   Oops, should mention solid post! Can’t wait to reading the next post!